I am having a bit of a selfish crisis right now.
Everyone has problems. I have my own problems, but should they be more important than anyone else's?
Where can you draw the line between caring... and selfishness?
I feel like I have been dwelling on my own personal issues lately instead of considering how I could help others with their own problems. Perhaps there is a method to that madness, after all, by spending time on other people's problems, won't I have less time to worry about my own problems? Or will their problems quickly become MY problems as well...
So now I am making a problem about dealing with my problems... but what are my problems!? Admitting that they are a problem feels selfish to me. I believe that I do not know what the difference between selfishness and confidence are. Having a lack of confidence may contribute to the fact that one believes that they only do and think selfish things. Are selfish people overly confident, or the converse, are confident people more prone to being selfish?
Personal Definitions:
Confidence- the true and unconscious belief in one's self, instinctual and purposeful belief made to motivate and promote change in one's self
Selfish- self-centered, narcissistic, oblivious, ignorant
I want to be confident, yet unselfish. What kind of person is that? (mother teresa, jk)
I feel as if something has changed in me and it could just be my perception of myself, but it is definitely for the better. I am not sure if it has gone unnoticed, but I sure feel it. My goal for myself for the next few days has been to act out of instinct and think less, thinking is such a hinderance sometimes.
And while you're at it, figure out what you want because saying you don't know isn't a good answer!
Do the you. Sei mich.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
L.A.L.
"Tis better to have loved and lost/ Than never to have loved all." -Alfred Tennyson
So tell my Tenny, you want ME to go out and profess my love because that will solve all of my problems? Hmmmm. My interpretation is this, "It is better to express your love and be turned down, than to never allow that love to manifest whatsoever." So, what are you waiting for?
I wish that there were a word less binding than love and with more weight than like. I cannot take my feelings seriously enough to call them love, yet they involve too much effort to be considered merely like. Perhaps I appreciate them. I appreciate more than just their personality, but their passion and values and caring and attitude. I appreciate their interest in my interest and motivation. The list goes on...
Maybe my best bet is to open up to them, to love them because their unrequited love is becoming unrecognized appreciation as well. I want them to know that I appreciate them! And to whomever is reading this, I appreciate you as well for putting up with my sappy bullshit. ;)
Like, appreciate, love.
So tell my Tenny, you want ME to go out and profess my love because that will solve all of my problems? Hmmmm. My interpretation is this, "It is better to express your love and be turned down, than to never allow that love to manifest whatsoever." So, what are you waiting for?
I wish that there were a word less binding than love and with more weight than like. I cannot take my feelings seriously enough to call them love, yet they involve too much effort to be considered merely like. Perhaps I appreciate them. I appreciate more than just their personality, but their passion and values and caring and attitude. I appreciate their interest in my interest and motivation. The list goes on...
Maybe my best bet is to open up to them, to love them because their unrequited love is becoming unrecognized appreciation as well. I want them to know that I appreciate them! And to whomever is reading this, I appreciate you as well for putting up with my sappy bullshit. ;)
Like, appreciate, love.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Need
I need this. I need that. I need YOU. I've been caught in this struggle recently between my desire for them and my desire to see them happy. I just can't get past the fact that I feel like such a selfish person! I wish I could write it all out, but I can hardly bear to think about it, let alone conjure up paragraphs about it. It's one of those unsolvable questions that you just can't seem to let go of. And the person whose advice I trust the most is the one with whom I'm caught up in. Blinded by desire.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
When in Need
Today, I learned a valuable life lesson. You can not always do it yourself. For some reason, my independence had me in a false state of mind that I could fix any of my problems if I just spent enough time alone thinking about them, but this is almost never the case. I suppose that this way of searching for answers may occasionally come upon some sort of appeasement of my questioning, but I also found myself often spiraling down into a negatively-fueled pity-session where I was trying be the therapist and the patient simultaneously. Asking for answers from the very person who asked the question. Sometimes it just takes another person, or group of people, to help you answer those deep and often dark questions that elude you when you're by yourself. Like trying to catch your own shadow, it is often out of reach unless someone else makes the shadow for you.
Now, new life lesson to attempt... eventually. Learning how to accept the fact that you can not always get everything you want. Too many times I find myself obsessing over something or even someone that I desire, a burning that I just can't seem to put out. Maybe it's a good thing that I can feel so strongly about something, but it's also scary. Letting go can be a hard thing for anyone, but my fear of rejection makes me afraid to even initiate contact. But obsessing is one of my flaws. That is another thing that being around a group of people that you like can help alleviate. Being with friends can make you forget everything you thought or felt about that thing or person you were just consumed with recently. Just the other day, I scared myself when for the first time ever, I found myself crying and I could not determine a reason for it. Here I was, standing in the shower and crying. Isn't this what girls do almost every day? But I'm not a girl... and that's a stereotype. So what is wrong with me? I know exactly what (or rather who) was bothering me, but I honestly do not feel the need to write it down for this blog. Just don't worry about and don't let your dreams get the best of you, that's the best advice I can give myself. (see... therapist... at least I'm in a better mood)
So, I'll leave myself with a few questions from the book that I am currently reading.
Who are you?
Where does the world come from?
Now, new life lesson to attempt... eventually. Learning how to accept the fact that you can not always get everything you want. Too many times I find myself obsessing over something or even someone that I desire, a burning that I just can't seem to put out. Maybe it's a good thing that I can feel so strongly about something, but it's also scary. Letting go can be a hard thing for anyone, but my fear of rejection makes me afraid to even initiate contact. But obsessing is one of my flaws. That is another thing that being around a group of people that you like can help alleviate. Being with friends can make you forget everything you thought or felt about that thing or person you were just consumed with recently. Just the other day, I scared myself when for the first time ever, I found myself crying and I could not determine a reason for it. Here I was, standing in the shower and crying. Isn't this what girls do almost every day? But I'm not a girl... and that's a stereotype. So what is wrong with me? I know exactly what (or rather who) was bothering me, but I honestly do not feel the need to write it down for this blog. Just don't worry about and don't let your dreams get the best of you, that's the best advice I can give myself. (see... therapist... at least I'm in a better mood)
So, I'll leave myself with a few questions from the book that I am currently reading.
Who are you?
Where does the world come from?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
We're All in a Rush
So, here it is. Just minutes ago, I was sitting at my phone waiting for a friend to respond to my text message and I was just idly flipping through pictures and scrolling through pages of useless Facebook posts asking me to "like this in 3 seconds" or my personal favorite, "keep scrolling if you hate God!" when I had a sudden epiphany. What the heck was I doing for the past three minutes? Passing my time waiting on a text message by doing what? Absolutely nothing. And that was when I realized, my concept of time has been completely changed by my cell phone.
When we were younger, the only "time" that we had was lunchtime, dinnertime, and best of all; playtime. Our clocks were run by how long we could play and run before we completely ran out of energy... to our parent's delight. Our lives were measured internally, not by the incessant stream of information that we receive through our phones. I feel as if my own life is measured in seconds and minutes of anticipation-filled waiting rather than an enjoyment of the present. That being said, you cannot live completely in the present because preparation for the future is what allows us to accomplish goals and meet expectations. It just seems to me that since the moment I was bestowed a cellular device, my life has been completely changed.
What I can not seem to figure out however, is why we are so addicted to our cell phones. I suppose since cell phones became financially available to the middle class, they have became a luxury that people have been unwilling to set aside. Instantaneous communication with friends and family around the globe is now available for a small price and a monthly investment. Cell phones are now also turning into boredom busters too as they offer limitless numbers of games and other apps to take what little time we have and use it for their own.
The iPhone just happens to have a nice timer to clock the number of minutes, or more likely, hours that you have used your phone since the last charge. Hmmmm. Let's crunch the numbers for the day. Well, since the last charge around two o'clock today, I have used my phone for approximately two and one half hours. *embarrassed* Well, hypocrisy is in these days, so I'm relatively unaffected by learning this about myself. I just can't help but ask myself, "Couldn't I be spending my precious moments on this Earth doing something more productive than plucking hairs out of some guys imaginary nose or shooting indestructible birds at relatively sound structures?" What has the world come to!
There is not enough time in this life to obsess, to worry, or to hold grudges. I see these words, but a lot of the time I cannot avoid committing these very acts every day. I suppose we grow every day and just the act of writing these things will not make them come to fruition. Oh, you so tired of this, aren't you? Well, fine. ...tbc...
When we were younger, the only "time" that we had was lunchtime, dinnertime, and best of all; playtime. Our clocks were run by how long we could play and run before we completely ran out of energy... to our parent's delight. Our lives were measured internally, not by the incessant stream of information that we receive through our phones. I feel as if my own life is measured in seconds and minutes of anticipation-filled waiting rather than an enjoyment of the present. That being said, you cannot live completely in the present because preparation for the future is what allows us to accomplish goals and meet expectations. It just seems to me that since the moment I was bestowed a cellular device, my life has been completely changed.
What I can not seem to figure out however, is why we are so addicted to our cell phones. I suppose since cell phones became financially available to the middle class, they have became a luxury that people have been unwilling to set aside. Instantaneous communication with friends and family around the globe is now available for a small price and a monthly investment. Cell phones are now also turning into boredom busters too as they offer limitless numbers of games and other apps to take what little time we have and use it for their own.
The iPhone just happens to have a nice timer to clock the number of minutes, or more likely, hours that you have used your phone since the last charge. Hmmmm. Let's crunch the numbers for the day. Well, since the last charge around two o'clock today, I have used my phone for approximately two and one half hours. *embarrassed* Well, hypocrisy is in these days, so I'm relatively unaffected by learning this about myself. I just can't help but ask myself, "Couldn't I be spending my precious moments on this Earth doing something more productive than plucking hairs out of some guys imaginary nose or shooting indestructible birds at relatively sound structures?" What has the world come to!
There is not enough time in this life to obsess, to worry, or to hold grudges. I see these words, but a lot of the time I cannot avoid committing these very acts every day. I suppose we grow every day and just the act of writing these things will not make them come to fruition. Oh, you so tired of this, aren't you? Well, fine. ...tbc...
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Day by Day
Mission Trip '12
Day 1: So, today we traveled to Panther, WV in our little vans and prepared ourselves to serve the citizens of Panther. Being as there is no cell service within twenty miles of the small community, these entries will be the only method of writing any sort of thing down to remember. Here goes. We left Greenville around 8 o'clock and prepared for the long journey to Wherever the heck Panther is in West Virginia. The car ride up was nice and we drove through some awesome mountain towns and little villages. The views were gorgeous. Even though I was crammed into the back of the Loser Cruiser, I was very content being in the mountains with some awesome people. We stopped a few times and then took "the road less traveled" up and over this mountain where we ran into a total of ZERO cars. A quite precarious U-turn was also in the program and that provided many squeals as the van tried to edge itself 180 degrees on this one lane mountain road. But we finally descended and just happened to run into the campgrounds that were staying at! There is no way to describe the area that we are staying in besides "secluded". It's like a whole different world here. Later that night, it felt as if huge, mountain walls were either keeping something outside their walls or trying to keep us in, I was not sure. We unpacked and then visited the sites that we would be working on. I believe my biggest struggle on this trip will be trying to relate and interact with the local people in a way that doesn't offend them. Like Mimi said tonight at our group session, "We are here to provide help, not judge the people." Probably important to remember. We ate dinner and then that sort of turned into a group session with a few ice breakers and then compline at the end. Another expectation of this trip feels selfish in a good way because I want to further my individual faith relationship with God through this service work. Having no contact with the outside world is sort of a shock, but there are definitely some things I needed to get away from and this week of work and worship will hopefully set me straight. Some things I'm worried about are no contact with the outside world, dealing with people appropriately (Panthers and fellow trippers) and eating enough food. I love eating and that overly-vegetable dinner left me starving. So now here I am, sweating my butt off in this dorm, famished yet not unhappy. Is this what true sacrifice feels like? Who knows, but I suppose I could get used to this. Let us see what God had planned for my fellow missionaries and I this week.
-11:40
Day 2: Whew, what a long yet satisfying day. I was woken up by my father saying "you ever going to get up?" around 7 this morning and I honestly did not know the answer. But I found the initiative somewhere between the sticky sweatiness that I had developed overnight and the idea of delicious breakfast in my stomach. Breakfast came and went and then we had morning prayer and we were off to our sites. Being in charge of the bridge project was a source of some anxiety for me as I have had little carpentry experience, but I would soon find out that it was all just a giant puzzle to figure out. (Joey likes puzzles.) For the first three hours of the day, we planned and mapped and destroyed as much as we could. Though there was not much to show for our work at lunchtime, I was plenty exhausted and STARVING to happily scarf down two sandwiches and excessive numbers of cookies. For some reason, I have a weird obsession with playground equipment and was excited to find out that others did too! So after lunch we played on the merry-go-round and swings for entirely too long and then we were back to our mission sites. Once we got back, I began to get the feeling that instead of this being Karl and my own's project, it was quickly becoming only his, however this did not bother me as much as I expected and I allowed him to take the reins and completed most of the background work such as cleaning up and chiseling the groves for the supports. I have been having a great time designing this bridge and figuring out all of the measurements and resource needs and I am really solidifying in my mind that engineering is for me. After working on the bridge for a few more hours, we headed over to the pool and it felt AWESOME. The water was cool and the sun was not overly hot and I thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner we explored the 'crick' and took some group pictures. Then we had a quick bible study followed by evening compline and then we had some free time. Bananagrams is a lot of fun, although the autocorrect wants to change it to ban anagrams. I was getting tired around 10:15 so I headed back early and got ready for bed and decided I needed some relaxation time in the beautiful outdoors. As I sat on the swing and merry-go-round in the dark solitude, I realized that I was afraid of something. What that something was I could not directly pinpoint and although the merry-go-round was not spinning, when I closed my eyes it felt as if I were spiraling down into some unknown. I've noticed lately that when I've tried relaxing and thinking, it has only caused me anxiety and sadness, so I took this time to simply breate and enjoy the beauty of the mountains that have encased us on a mission to serve. Now I lay here, content with the day but with only one misgiving. Who are you doing this for? God or yourself? It's not an easy question especially without the oppressive heat. I want to accept God and have faith, but how? My ears and heart are open to you Lord, let me catch your whispered teachings and hold on to them before the blow away into the depths of the town that does not really exist, Panther. This is the perfect situation to figure this all out... It only takes you. :)
-11:05
Day 3: Wow, this week is doing crazy things to my ability to tell time. First off, I can't believe it had already been two full days out on the sites, the days are going by so fast! Yet... I can't understand my desire to for it to be over. Homesick? Nahh. Miss your friends? Possibly. I have no idea. But this morning was similar to the other morning where we got up for breakfast and then headed to the mission sites. The bridge is looking AWESOME and I can't wait for it to be finished. Then we came back for lunch and I had the best sandwich that has ever been created with turkey, bacon, ham, fresh tomato, lettuce, provolone, salt, and pepper. Mouth is watering still. We returned to our sites after lunch and things got a little damp... It started raining and lightning-ing (?) and we were running out of lumber so we called it a day around 2:30. We were the lazy team that didn't stick out the rain... Oops, however I worked out with Olivia and then she taught me how to make these interesting friendship bracelets so that I have another thing occupy my free-time. And then we mostly played games such as four-square (and seven years ago), Boxers or Briefs, Apples to Apples, and other things until dinner and evening prayer. Afterwards, mainly the youth starting playing games and then we started acting out stories which evolved into giving everyone a separate character and a scene and just free-for-all'ing. It was so much fun. Some of my characters were an orange in the process of being juiced, Tourette's, and a person on the last day of their life. Everyone participated and had an awesome time, I couldn't take the video because I was laughing so hard. Well this has felt sort of summary-like so far so I'm going to change gears a little bit. I have not exactly pinpointed my purpose and motivation behind this mission trip. I love the idea of faith, but for some unknown reason, I will not accept it as my own. We were in group study and I was smiling around at all of the Christian faces around me and I felt alone, an outsider, like my pathetic attempt at faith was being broadcast through my teeth for everyone to see. I want to know what is holding me back from a relationship with Christ, I just can't seem to let go. (of what?-day 4) I also can not seem to get my mind off of issues from back home that keep popping up from time to time. Past angers and relationships and loves are blotting out my path towards a healthy faith relationship that I would love to build through this mission trip. I feel selfish, but I am beginning to realize that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. You can not always care about what others think and do around you, whether it affects you or not. Respect yourself and have confidence. Make your own choices and live your life the way that makes you happiest and those around you the happiest. Maybe Utilitarian is the way to go. So hopes for tomorrow are to continue preparing myself for the leap of faith that is coming in the coming days or months. I can feel it. Soon, my faith will be tested and this mission trip right here is going to get me ready, so look out Panther or wherever the heck I am right now, you're about to change someone's life for the better. The irony of a service mission trip! You work for them equally as much as they work on you. Something to thing about. Now go.
-12:36
Day 4: Wait, what? It can't seriously be day four already. That is absolute insanity. It feels as if I got here only hours ago and now here I am at the pinnacle of the week, preparing for the end of a long and hard week. Incredible. Well, same morning routine, lunch, and afternoon schedule as well. Met one of my goals to connect with the local people and chatted with a man from up the mountain who told me much of his life and about how Comin to WV brought him into faith once again. Awesome chat. Once we retired to the campsite for the rest of the day, I learned how to make more friendship bracelets and I'm not going to lie, they are pretty enjoyable to make. Sort of. By this time in the week, I was running on fumes and I took a very much needed nap before dinner that perked me right up for the remainder of the evening. I had an interesting revelation during our evening study session. Jkidding (<---for memory, not serious), I had two. The first came when we were discussing a tough parable about a group of people who worked all day that got paid the same amount as people who worked only one hour (Matthew 20: 1-16). To myself this didn't seem fair, but I was trying to get past that yet I was still struggling with it. Once we returned to the circle, Mimi said something interesting that struck an internal chord with me. "For others we want justice, yet for ourselves we want mercy." When I heard this, everything just fell into place for me. Jesus will love us no matter what we do to stop him or make ourselves think we are stopping him. It's like a perpetual love-giving machine, the perfect girlfriend (totally kidding). To God, there is no such thing as 'fairness' and 'justice' because there is only his grace and his love. You can never be lonely when God is always loving you. Another realization came when I personally started the song that we were going to be singing for post-Compline. Where did this confidence come from? Normally I would never sing in front of a single person, yet here I was starting a solo in front of the entire group. God, what kind of crazy things are you getting at? I know I have had confidence issues in the past, but this surprised me and I was just so happy that I was so comfortable around such an awesome group of people. Episcopalians rock. So, for tomorrow I want my expectation to be that I will have more conscious prayers and for conscience-friendy prayers. Care about others. Be a helping hand where need and don't be too critical of yourself. You're just fine the way you are.
-11:26
Day 5: I think I could get used to this sweaty, dirty bed. I can honestly say that my sanitation grade would probably be around a C or a D right now and really, I'm okay with it. Shower once a day and just rough it the rest of the time. Not having to worry about how you appear is really a draw for this mission trip. Today was a normal day and we pretty much completed the entire bridge except for a few, security braces for the supports. It feels awesome to create something so usable and crafty that is most likely going to stand for the next fifty or one hundred years. God-willing. Honestly, nothing has really changed from the other days besides the fact that my dad left today to go on an anniversary date/party in Boone with my mom. It was good to see her tonight. I am anxious to see Joey back in the real world and traveling through it with Jesus on his side. Who knows what great things can be accomplished. Although I am not 100% convinced of my faith, I am positive that God's unconditional love and grace would give me a meaningful purpose in life and something to strive for. How to follow? Live it up.
-12:23
Day 1: So, today we traveled to Panther, WV in our little vans and prepared ourselves to serve the citizens of Panther. Being as there is no cell service within twenty miles of the small community, these entries will be the only method of writing any sort of thing down to remember. Here goes. We left Greenville around 8 o'clock and prepared for the long journey to Wherever the heck Panther is in West Virginia. The car ride up was nice and we drove through some awesome mountain towns and little villages. The views were gorgeous. Even though I was crammed into the back of the Loser Cruiser, I was very content being in the mountains with some awesome people. We stopped a few times and then took "the road less traveled" up and over this mountain where we ran into a total of ZERO cars. A quite precarious U-turn was also in the program and that provided many squeals as the van tried to edge itself 180 degrees on this one lane mountain road. But we finally descended and just happened to run into the campgrounds that were staying at! There is no way to describe the area that we are staying in besides "secluded". It's like a whole different world here. Later that night, it felt as if huge, mountain walls were either keeping something outside their walls or trying to keep us in, I was not sure. We unpacked and then visited the sites that we would be working on. I believe my biggest struggle on this trip will be trying to relate and interact with the local people in a way that doesn't offend them. Like Mimi said tonight at our group session, "We are here to provide help, not judge the people." Probably important to remember. We ate dinner and then that sort of turned into a group session with a few ice breakers and then compline at the end. Another expectation of this trip feels selfish in a good way because I want to further my individual faith relationship with God through this service work. Having no contact with the outside world is sort of a shock, but there are definitely some things I needed to get away from and this week of work and worship will hopefully set me straight. Some things I'm worried about are no contact with the outside world, dealing with people appropriately (Panthers and fellow trippers) and eating enough food. I love eating and that overly-vegetable dinner left me starving. So now here I am, sweating my butt off in this dorm, famished yet not unhappy. Is this what true sacrifice feels like? Who knows, but I suppose I could get used to this. Let us see what God had planned for my fellow missionaries and I this week.
-11:40
Day 2: Whew, what a long yet satisfying day. I was woken up by my father saying "you ever going to get up?" around 7 this morning and I honestly did not know the answer. But I found the initiative somewhere between the sticky sweatiness that I had developed overnight and the idea of delicious breakfast in my stomach. Breakfast came and went and then we had morning prayer and we were off to our sites. Being in charge of the bridge project was a source of some anxiety for me as I have had little carpentry experience, but I would soon find out that it was all just a giant puzzle to figure out. (Joey likes puzzles.) For the first three hours of the day, we planned and mapped and destroyed as much as we could. Though there was not much to show for our work at lunchtime, I was plenty exhausted and STARVING to happily scarf down two sandwiches and excessive numbers of cookies. For some reason, I have a weird obsession with playground equipment and was excited to find out that others did too! So after lunch we played on the merry-go-round and swings for entirely too long and then we were back to our mission sites. Once we got back, I began to get the feeling that instead of this being Karl and my own's project, it was quickly becoming only his, however this did not bother me as much as I expected and I allowed him to take the reins and completed most of the background work such as cleaning up and chiseling the groves for the supports. I have been having a great time designing this bridge and figuring out all of the measurements and resource needs and I am really solidifying in my mind that engineering is for me. After working on the bridge for a few more hours, we headed over to the pool and it felt AWESOME. The water was cool and the sun was not overly hot and I thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner we explored the 'crick' and took some group pictures. Then we had a quick bible study followed by evening compline and then we had some free time. Bananagrams is a lot of fun, although the autocorrect wants to change it to ban anagrams. I was getting tired around 10:15 so I headed back early and got ready for bed and decided I needed some relaxation time in the beautiful outdoors. As I sat on the swing and merry-go-round in the dark solitude, I realized that I was afraid of something. What that something was I could not directly pinpoint and although the merry-go-round was not spinning, when I closed my eyes it felt as if I were spiraling down into some unknown. I've noticed lately that when I've tried relaxing and thinking, it has only caused me anxiety and sadness, so I took this time to simply breate and enjoy the beauty of the mountains that have encased us on a mission to serve. Now I lay here, content with the day but with only one misgiving. Who are you doing this for? God or yourself? It's not an easy question especially without the oppressive heat. I want to accept God and have faith, but how? My ears and heart are open to you Lord, let me catch your whispered teachings and hold on to them before the blow away into the depths of the town that does not really exist, Panther. This is the perfect situation to figure this all out... It only takes you. :)
-11:05
Day 3: Wow, this week is doing crazy things to my ability to tell time. First off, I can't believe it had already been two full days out on the sites, the days are going by so fast! Yet... I can't understand my desire to for it to be over. Homesick? Nahh. Miss your friends? Possibly. I have no idea. But this morning was similar to the other morning where we got up for breakfast and then headed to the mission sites. The bridge is looking AWESOME and I can't wait for it to be finished. Then we came back for lunch and I had the best sandwich that has ever been created with turkey, bacon, ham, fresh tomato, lettuce, provolone, salt, and pepper. Mouth is watering still. We returned to our sites after lunch and things got a little damp... It started raining and lightning-ing (?) and we were running out of lumber so we called it a day around 2:30. We were the lazy team that didn't stick out the rain... Oops, however I worked out with Olivia and then she taught me how to make these interesting friendship bracelets so that I have another thing occupy my free-time. And then we mostly played games such as four-square (and seven years ago), Boxers or Briefs, Apples to Apples, and other things until dinner and evening prayer. Afterwards, mainly the youth starting playing games and then we started acting out stories which evolved into giving everyone a separate character and a scene and just free-for-all'ing. It was so much fun. Some of my characters were an orange in the process of being juiced, Tourette's, and a person on the last day of their life. Everyone participated and had an awesome time, I couldn't take the video because I was laughing so hard. Well this has felt sort of summary-like so far so I'm going to change gears a little bit. I have not exactly pinpointed my purpose and motivation behind this mission trip. I love the idea of faith, but for some unknown reason, I will not accept it as my own. We were in group study and I was smiling around at all of the Christian faces around me and I felt alone, an outsider, like my pathetic attempt at faith was being broadcast through my teeth for everyone to see. I want to know what is holding me back from a relationship with Christ, I just can't seem to let go. (of what?-day 4) I also can not seem to get my mind off of issues from back home that keep popping up from time to time. Past angers and relationships and loves are blotting out my path towards a healthy faith relationship that I would love to build through this mission trip. I feel selfish, but I am beginning to realize that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. You can not always care about what others think and do around you, whether it affects you or not. Respect yourself and have confidence. Make your own choices and live your life the way that makes you happiest and those around you the happiest. Maybe Utilitarian is the way to go. So hopes for tomorrow are to continue preparing myself for the leap of faith that is coming in the coming days or months. I can feel it. Soon, my faith will be tested and this mission trip right here is going to get me ready, so look out Panther or wherever the heck I am right now, you're about to change someone's life for the better. The irony of a service mission trip! You work for them equally as much as they work on you. Something to thing about. Now go.
-12:36
Day 4: Wait, what? It can't seriously be day four already. That is absolute insanity. It feels as if I got here only hours ago and now here I am at the pinnacle of the week, preparing for the end of a long and hard week. Incredible. Well, same morning routine, lunch, and afternoon schedule as well. Met one of my goals to connect with the local people and chatted with a man from up the mountain who told me much of his life and about how Comin to WV brought him into faith once again. Awesome chat. Once we retired to the campsite for the rest of the day, I learned how to make more friendship bracelets and I'm not going to lie, they are pretty enjoyable to make. Sort of. By this time in the week, I was running on fumes and I took a very much needed nap before dinner that perked me right up for the remainder of the evening. I had an interesting revelation during our evening study session. Jkidding (<---for memory, not serious), I had two. The first came when we were discussing a tough parable about a group of people who worked all day that got paid the same amount as people who worked only one hour (Matthew 20: 1-16). To myself this didn't seem fair, but I was trying to get past that yet I was still struggling with it. Once we returned to the circle, Mimi said something interesting that struck an internal chord with me. "For others we want justice, yet for ourselves we want mercy." When I heard this, everything just fell into place for me. Jesus will love us no matter what we do to stop him or make ourselves think we are stopping him. It's like a perpetual love-giving machine, the perfect girlfriend (totally kidding). To God, there is no such thing as 'fairness' and 'justice' because there is only his grace and his love. You can never be lonely when God is always loving you. Another realization came when I personally started the song that we were going to be singing for post-Compline. Where did this confidence come from? Normally I would never sing in front of a single person, yet here I was starting a solo in front of the entire group. God, what kind of crazy things are you getting at? I know I have had confidence issues in the past, but this surprised me and I was just so happy that I was so comfortable around such an awesome group of people. Episcopalians rock. So, for tomorrow I want my expectation to be that I will have more conscious prayers and for conscience-friendy prayers. Care about others. Be a helping hand where need and don't be too critical of yourself. You're just fine the way you are.
-11:26
Day 5: I think I could get used to this sweaty, dirty bed. I can honestly say that my sanitation grade would probably be around a C or a D right now and really, I'm okay with it. Shower once a day and just rough it the rest of the time. Not having to worry about how you appear is really a draw for this mission trip. Today was a normal day and we pretty much completed the entire bridge except for a few, security braces for the supports. It feels awesome to create something so usable and crafty that is most likely going to stand for the next fifty or one hundred years. God-willing. Honestly, nothing has really changed from the other days besides the fact that my dad left today to go on an anniversary date/party in Boone with my mom. It was good to see her tonight. I am anxious to see Joey back in the real world and traveling through it with Jesus on his side. Who knows what great things can be accomplished. Although I am not 100% convinced of my faith, I am positive that God's unconditional love and grace would give me a meaningful purpose in life and something to strive for. How to follow? Live it up.
-12:23
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Quick Fix
So, summer is flying by and it's getting to the point where the schedule is just so full that it is going to be time to return to school in no time. I felt this entry was necessary because I, being Joey Meyers, am about to embark on a mission trip with my church and would love to document my before and after feelings about the trip. Yeah, boring feelings boring blah blah blah but any change in myself means something to me.
Right now, I can not accurately say how I feel about the coming week besides muted anticipation. I feel a dull throbbing of anxiety, but at the same time, I have been on several other mission trips before which eliminates the surprise element of this service trip. However, I have never gone into a mission trip in the state of faith that I am in currently. For about a year or two now, I have not been praying or worshipping God as I once did when I was younger. My logical, fundamental side says that science has all of the answers that could ever be asked while my emotional side longs for a relationship with Jesus and one that I can share with others of faith. My goals for this week are to open myself up to a relationship, a new path in my life that will hopefully fill this void that I've been feeling because I feel as if I am wandering a path with no destination in mind. I suppose only time will tell the result of this trip.
Another one of my goals for this week is to let go of many of my worries so that for one week, I may selflessly serve others. I want to serve and I want to help others, but I cannot do this without leaving behind my selfish worries and doubts. I need to find some time to meditate every day and find peace within myself. A self exploration adventure. Definitely an adventure. Let's see what this week has in store.
Right now, I can not accurately say how I feel about the coming week besides muted anticipation. I feel a dull throbbing of anxiety, but at the same time, I have been on several other mission trips before which eliminates the surprise element of this service trip. However, I have never gone into a mission trip in the state of faith that I am in currently. For about a year or two now, I have not been praying or worshipping God as I once did when I was younger. My logical, fundamental side says that science has all of the answers that could ever be asked while my emotional side longs for a relationship with Jesus and one that I can share with others of faith. My goals for this week are to open myself up to a relationship, a new path in my life that will hopefully fill this void that I've been feeling because I feel as if I am wandering a path with no destination in mind. I suppose only time will tell the result of this trip.
Another one of my goals for this week is to let go of many of my worries so that for one week, I may selflessly serve others. I want to serve and I want to help others, but I cannot do this without leaving behind my selfish worries and doubts. I need to find some time to meditate every day and find peace within myself. A self exploration adventure. Definitely an adventure. Let's see what this week has in store.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Seeding Desires
One morning, a young boy was sitting on a rotten tree stump in his backyard.
And he began to think.
Thinking about learning to tie his shoes the day before and how impressed Jessie will be later.
Boy, did he like Jessie.
But then again, he liked Hannah as well but Jessie could run faster than Hannah.
Good thing he would see them both later at the park.
Again, his thoughts drifted from his shoes and the girls until he was staring at the stump idly.
He looked at the stump until the boy felt as if he were looking through the stump itself and to the ground and he imagined it.
There in the ground he saw a little seed, nestled amongst the dirt, a willingness to survive and grow inherent in it.
And the boy stepped off the stump.
He knew what he wanted.
And then,
He began to dig.
As he scraped his fingernails through the rocky dirt, he knew he could not dig with his hands any longer.
But he wanted the seed. He needed it.
So he entered his shed and returned to the stump with a small shovel.
And he began to dig.
As he dug, he began to imagine all of the things that he could do with the seed. He imagined a huge, oak tree with a tire swing that he could ride with Jessie. He imagined, and it fed his desire. "I must have this seed," he said aloud.
Hours passed and he continued to dig. Although his progress was slow, he knew what he wanted and he knew that he would get it. His fantasies grew wilder and more unbelievable as the oak tree turned into a forest where him and Hannah could run and play hide and seek.
He continued to dig.
Slowly, the day began to darken and the sun was on the horizon.
And he continued to dig.
"Dinner!" his mother yelled and he ran inside reluctantly to eat his meal.
But as the dinner went on around him, he found that all he could think about was the seed that he desired and the fantasies that he so longed to come true. Without his dinner, he ran outside to where his wishes pulled him.
After a few minutes of digging, the irritated and famished boy tossed his shovel away in frustration and sat down on the rotten tree stump now surrounded by a honeycomb of displaced dirt.
As he sat on the tree stump thinking about how angry he was at not having gotten the seed, he realized guiltily that he had not gone to the park today.
He had missed his chance with Jessie.
And even with Hannah even though she wasn't as fast as Jessie.
And he still did not have the seed.
So he walked into his house to find a snack as his mother and father were asleep on the couch.
And he ate his snack and returned to the stump outside, now a grayish statue in the yard to mark the death of his dream.
And he wept.
And he began to think.
Thinking about learning to tie his shoes the day before and how impressed Jessie will be later.
Boy, did he like Jessie.
But then again, he liked Hannah as well but Jessie could run faster than Hannah.
Good thing he would see them both later at the park.
Again, his thoughts drifted from his shoes and the girls until he was staring at the stump idly.
He looked at the stump until the boy felt as if he were looking through the stump itself and to the ground and he imagined it.
There in the ground he saw a little seed, nestled amongst the dirt, a willingness to survive and grow inherent in it.
And the boy stepped off the stump.
He knew what he wanted.
And then,
He began to dig.
As he scraped his fingernails through the rocky dirt, he knew he could not dig with his hands any longer.
But he wanted the seed. He needed it.
So he entered his shed and returned to the stump with a small shovel.
And he began to dig.
As he dug, he began to imagine all of the things that he could do with the seed. He imagined a huge, oak tree with a tire swing that he could ride with Jessie. He imagined, and it fed his desire. "I must have this seed," he said aloud.
Hours passed and he continued to dig. Although his progress was slow, he knew what he wanted and he knew that he would get it. His fantasies grew wilder and more unbelievable as the oak tree turned into a forest where him and Hannah could run and play hide and seek.
He continued to dig.
Slowly, the day began to darken and the sun was on the horizon.
And he continued to dig.
"Dinner!" his mother yelled and he ran inside reluctantly to eat his meal.
But as the dinner went on around him, he found that all he could think about was the seed that he desired and the fantasies that he so longed to come true. Without his dinner, he ran outside to where his wishes pulled him.
After a few minutes of digging, the irritated and famished boy tossed his shovel away in frustration and sat down on the rotten tree stump now surrounded by a honeycomb of displaced dirt.
As he sat on the tree stump thinking about how angry he was at not having gotten the seed, he realized guiltily that he had not gone to the park today.
He had missed his chance with Jessie.
And even with Hannah even though she wasn't as fast as Jessie.
And he still did not have the seed.
So he walked into his house to find a snack as his mother and father were asleep on the couch.
And he ate his snack and returned to the stump outside, now a grayish statue in the yard to mark the death of his dream.
And he wept.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Unloading
Going into this with no expectations, however I just need to let a few things flow through these hands out of my brain and into some viewable form. Something about the tangibility of my thoughts makes them more concrete. I just wish there were a place other than this blog that I could share them because they still feel unsafe. See, right now, I'm have a crisis inside my brain about why the hell I am even writing this in the first place because first of all, I probably won't read it ever again and second, I don't want anyone to read it anyways. Maybe I just want someone to talk to...
I can honestly say that I do not have anyone with whom I feel like I can be 100% myself around. My closest friends or those I trust the most would probably have to be Mckenzie, Samantha, Isaac, Jacob, Stokes, and Josh. Besides these people, I probably don't reveal 75% of the true me. Isaac is the only person I have told everything to but just the influence of his religion keeps me from saying certain things around him. Mckenzie is probably my most understandable friend. Why am I so scared of myself? I don't trust others so how can I trust myself? I suppose I should learn to trust myself. Supposing is so much more intelligent and thoughtful than guessing. I guess. See what I mean? (rhetorical question to myself... what the hell do I do now?)
While I continue to whine and complain about everything that is wrong with me, I hope that if I'm reading this in the future, I'll have solved many of the problems that have arisen in my measly 17 years of life that seem such a big deal to my psyche. I could not have a job. I could not have parents. I could not have instantaneous access to my friends. I could have no shelter. I could have no food. I could have no self esteem. I could be overweight. Putting life into perspective is one of the hardest things for me to integrate into my life. I would definitely consider myself blessed. Blessed by whom? No idea. I would just love, absolutely to believe that God has chosen me to be blessed in the ways that I am, but I cannot accept that answer. It's like trying to analyze The Scarlet Letter with an illiterate Spanish-speaker. I love the passion and forgiveness and openness that religion and faith brings upon people, I see it in Isaac and Mckenzie and Samantha and many other of my friends but I just cannot assume a faithful position on life. I've tried. Two weeks ago today, I tried to accept Jesus into my heart with Isaac. What happened to that? You can change your life right now if you want to... was it a lack of determination? Am I too ill-spirited and undetermined enough that I cannot even give Jesus a chance? That's pathetic. You're better than that and I want to give myself that chance but I just do not know how to do it. Sympatico...
I am unsure of my position on social networking. I mean, I'm definitely a victim of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and they have become such an integral part of my life that I'm not sure that I could honestly survive and nurture friendships without them... It's just like writing this blog, I want everyone to know everything about me, all the time. An impossible goal, yes? But with the Big Three Social Networking sites, they make it seem like a damn good idea to try. Like just then, I seamlessly transitioned from typing this to scrolling down my FB newsfeed without even thinking about the fact that my attention span in dwindling down to zero every time I allow myself to flit back and forth from my current task to some social network. I feel our generation should be Generation Multitask because honestly, our brains were only designed to take on one task at a time and people sure as hell drive while eating and talking on their phones nearly every day.
I'm having an extremely helpless moment right now. I just read something that I wrote in the Notes section of my phone a couple days ago and it says "Helplessness is humbling." hmmm... ya don't say? Once you've gotten to the point where you've always known exactly what you want and gotten most of the things you've wanted and then you come to a crossroads and each fork has it's perks, yet you can't for the life of you decide which fork to take, it's a humbling experience. When I imagine the word 'humbling', I see a person covering themselves in a fetal position on the ground in some sort of struggle to protect themselves. Not every humbling experience is an embarrassing one, but often times it feels like you're trying to protect yourself from something, be it a loss of reputation or some other social judgement. Right now, my hidden feelings for someone are definitely the thing I'm letting beat me down. It's unexplainable. I love having them as my friend and having them guide me down the right path, but at the same time, I can not help myself from becoming more and more attached to them. It's absolutely the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, hands down. (weird expression) I'm almost even uncomfortable putting it down as something that I can read because it's just not something that I've allowed myself to accept. It just seems, the more that I repress it, the more it manifests itself. It's not something that I should allow myself to live with. Either come out with it, or stop hanging out with them. Bottom line. In the end, you're only hurting both you and them (woah, this took a weird turn from first person to some omniscient third person therapist) by the fact that you are leading them on in a friendship that is based off of a need a be around that person. Why are you so damn creepy? haha.
Well, I suppose these things are at the forefront of Joey Meyers' mind tonight and who knows, maybe one day none of this bullsheet will matter. But for now, I'm out.
I can honestly say that I do not have anyone with whom I feel like I can be 100% myself around. My closest friends or those I trust the most would probably have to be Mckenzie, Samantha, Isaac, Jacob, Stokes, and Josh. Besides these people, I probably don't reveal 75% of the true me. Isaac is the only person I have told everything to but just the influence of his religion keeps me from saying certain things around him. Mckenzie is probably my most understandable friend. Why am I so scared of myself? I don't trust others so how can I trust myself? I suppose I should learn to trust myself. Supposing is so much more intelligent and thoughtful than guessing. I guess. See what I mean? (rhetorical question to myself... what the hell do I do now?)
While I continue to whine and complain about everything that is wrong with me, I hope that if I'm reading this in the future, I'll have solved many of the problems that have arisen in my measly 17 years of life that seem such a big deal to my psyche. I could not have a job. I could not have parents. I could not have instantaneous access to my friends. I could have no shelter. I could have no food. I could have no self esteem. I could be overweight. Putting life into perspective is one of the hardest things for me to integrate into my life. I would definitely consider myself blessed. Blessed by whom? No idea. I would just love, absolutely to believe that God has chosen me to be blessed in the ways that I am, but I cannot accept that answer. It's like trying to analyze The Scarlet Letter with an illiterate Spanish-speaker. I love the passion and forgiveness and openness that religion and faith brings upon people, I see it in Isaac and Mckenzie and Samantha and many other of my friends but I just cannot assume a faithful position on life. I've tried. Two weeks ago today, I tried to accept Jesus into my heart with Isaac. What happened to that? You can change your life right now if you want to... was it a lack of determination? Am I too ill-spirited and undetermined enough that I cannot even give Jesus a chance? That's pathetic. You're better than that and I want to give myself that chance but I just do not know how to do it. Sympatico...
I am unsure of my position on social networking. I mean, I'm definitely a victim of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and they have become such an integral part of my life that I'm not sure that I could honestly survive and nurture friendships without them... It's just like writing this blog, I want everyone to know everything about me, all the time. An impossible goal, yes? But with the Big Three Social Networking sites, they make it seem like a damn good idea to try. Like just then, I seamlessly transitioned from typing this to scrolling down my FB newsfeed without even thinking about the fact that my attention span in dwindling down to zero every time I allow myself to flit back and forth from my current task to some social network. I feel our generation should be Generation Multitask because honestly, our brains were only designed to take on one task at a time and people sure as hell drive while eating and talking on their phones nearly every day.
I'm having an extremely helpless moment right now. I just read something that I wrote in the Notes section of my phone a couple days ago and it says "Helplessness is humbling." hmmm... ya don't say? Once you've gotten to the point where you've always known exactly what you want and gotten most of the things you've wanted and then you come to a crossroads and each fork has it's perks, yet you can't for the life of you decide which fork to take, it's a humbling experience. When I imagine the word 'humbling', I see a person covering themselves in a fetal position on the ground in some sort of struggle to protect themselves. Not every humbling experience is an embarrassing one, but often times it feels like you're trying to protect yourself from something, be it a loss of reputation or some other social judgement. Right now, my hidden feelings for someone are definitely the thing I'm letting beat me down. It's unexplainable. I love having them as my friend and having them guide me down the right path, but at the same time, I can not help myself from becoming more and more attached to them. It's absolutely the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, hands down. (weird expression) I'm almost even uncomfortable putting it down as something that I can read because it's just not something that I've allowed myself to accept. It just seems, the more that I repress it, the more it manifests itself. It's not something that I should allow myself to live with. Either come out with it, or stop hanging out with them. Bottom line. In the end, you're only hurting both you and them (woah, this took a weird turn from first person to some omniscient third person therapist) by the fact that you are leading them on in a friendship that is based off of a need a be around that person. Why are you so damn creepy? haha.
Well, I suppose these things are at the forefront of Joey Meyers' mind tonight and who knows, maybe one day none of this bullsheet will matter. But for now, I'm out.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
All the Small Things
Just had an interesting dialogue with my mom about religion and her lack of faith. For background, she has been a "closeted agnostic" since she was a teenager. Understanding this thirty year gap helped me to really focus on what was really the issue; the fact that she has been so stuck on the idea of not believing for so long that she has lost her willingness to open herself up to new ideas.
I was stuck in an interesting situation as I have struggled with my faith until an awesome chat with a great friend whose belief and faith in Christ is evident in everything he does. That happened two days ago, however I did not want my own personal confusion to allow my mom to leave the conversation unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I decided instead of trying to answer her questions, I would allow her to speak her mind and then remind her that without an open mind, no belief will ever change. I knew I was stepping into uncomfortable territory with some of the things that I brought up, however I hope that it really made her think about the way that she reacts to others' beliefs because one simply cannot let a thought rush through them in they keep their mind sealed.
I myself often struggle with the big questions about religion, but when I step back and think about my honest beliefs, it's not about finding the answers to those big questions for me. Seeing people who are filled with God's presence that radiates from them with every word they speak convinces me that it is not the big ideas that matter, but all of the small miracles and people who make up the impact of the church that define my belief in religion. Some may find religion an excuse for comfort and explanation while I now see it as a purpose to grow and find meaning. A life lived for Jesus is a wholesome and generous life. There are those without religion who have done great, selfless things: but the power and compassion of a doer of the Lord's will has an army of faith behind them. I know I have a long way to go and will most likely never reach the end of my faith journey, but it's a promising road and a road that I would love to accept.
It seems as though we, humans, tend to want to make things important. Such as other people's opinions of us, something inside of us wants to preserve a good reputation with all other people. I find myself compromising my own beliefs for the acceptance of others and I am challenging myself to question whether I am okay with this. Should I be okay with this? Probably not. Maybe I've unintentionally given this blog a purpose just now. To determine what I believe in so that when the time comes I can know exactly what to say at the right time... if only it were that simple. On the surface it may be that, or just a general hope of prolonging a time in my life by saving it onto the World Wide Web. I think it is safe to assume that there is no clear cut purpose I had in making this blog, however it's almost comforting to see a hard copy of my thoughts projected through this blog. It is public, but would it matter if people read this who had no relation to me whatsoever? This definitely feels like personal, question-and-answer bullshit but it's connections and past experiences that will determine the effect and reach of this blog. I hope at least some people are as weird/think the same way as I do. (psh UR SEW BORING ME)
I was stuck in an interesting situation as I have struggled with my faith until an awesome chat with a great friend whose belief and faith in Christ is evident in everything he does. That happened two days ago, however I did not want my own personal confusion to allow my mom to leave the conversation unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I decided instead of trying to answer her questions, I would allow her to speak her mind and then remind her that without an open mind, no belief will ever change. I knew I was stepping into uncomfortable territory with some of the things that I brought up, however I hope that it really made her think about the way that she reacts to others' beliefs because one simply cannot let a thought rush through them in they keep their mind sealed.
I myself often struggle with the big questions about religion, but when I step back and think about my honest beliefs, it's not about finding the answers to those big questions for me. Seeing people who are filled with God's presence that radiates from them with every word they speak convinces me that it is not the big ideas that matter, but all of the small miracles and people who make up the impact of the church that define my belief in religion. Some may find religion an excuse for comfort and explanation while I now see it as a purpose to grow and find meaning. A life lived for Jesus is a wholesome and generous life. There are those without religion who have done great, selfless things: but the power and compassion of a doer of the Lord's will has an army of faith behind them. I know I have a long way to go and will most likely never reach the end of my faith journey, but it's a promising road and a road that I would love to accept.
It seems as though we, humans, tend to want to make things important. Such as other people's opinions of us, something inside of us wants to preserve a good reputation with all other people. I find myself compromising my own beliefs for the acceptance of others and I am challenging myself to question whether I am okay with this. Should I be okay with this? Probably not. Maybe I've unintentionally given this blog a purpose just now. To determine what I believe in so that when the time comes I can know exactly what to say at the right time... if only it were that simple. On the surface it may be that, or just a general hope of prolonging a time in my life by saving it onto the World Wide Web. I think it is safe to assume that there is no clear cut purpose I had in making this blog, however it's almost comforting to see a hard copy of my thoughts projected through this blog. It is public, but would it matter if people read this who had no relation to me whatsoever? This definitely feels like personal, question-and-answer bullshit but it's connections and past experiences that will determine the effect and reach of this blog. I hope at least some people are as weird/think the same way as I do. (psh UR SEW BORING ME)
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Something Personal
"How do you decide what is important?"
This has been the question that has been running through my mind all day. How does anyone decide what is important to them or more specifically; How do I decide what is important to me? This thought first popped into my head on Sunday night when I was helping a friend prepare for a calculus exam and I found out that Krispy Kreme remained open until 12. Okay... So what? I realized, I am neither the one closing this Krispy Kreme nor the one opening this Krispy Kreme in the mornings, does that make this place unimportant to me? Do I care about the upkeep of the ovens and the technicalities of the glazer? All of the parts that make this Krispy Kreme work day in and day out have nothing to do with me, yet here I am, studying math at this very place. Is it important to me?
So many processes and systems and random events take place on Earth every day that it is almost mind-boggling to consider, yet our brains seem to phase all of that out and focus on this things that we deem the most important to remember. Do I remember exactly what grade I made on the Chapter 6 test for 4th grade math? Who cares? And that is exactly the point. My mind seems to have erased that memory because it's relevance was considered unsubstantial and just erased that connection. Besides memories, how do we decide what we care about, what we are passionate about in the present?
On a side note, I think that all of my friends are bad influences on me. What if I, myself, am the bad influence though? That scares me. How can I expect anyone to understand me when I can not understand myself? And why can I not understand myself? I realize I am asking a lot of supposedly rhetorical questions and not providing any answers but the truth it, cliché enough, I do not have them. I watched the movie Prometheus tonight with my friends, they were high of course, and I strangely connected my search to understand myself with the story of Prometheus. In the movie, humans were in search of their ultimate creator and once they finally found them, it attempted to destroy them, albeit with failure. If I were finally to understand myself, or accept a version of myself enough so wholeheartedly that I could truly know myself, would it destory me? Would I be the person I am, right now, writing this entry from my bed in my home? One just can not know. For once you know the truth, thepast lies seem irrelevant. Perhaps I am merely a bundle of lies, gift wrapped so ironically to discover and be horrified with what I discover, so for now, I will be content with myself as I am in the present and move on in search of something, for all of life seems to be a search for something greater, something of meaning, something to live for. A purpose.
"What are you living for today? Why is it important to you?"
Figuring This All Out
Do you think that you have ever had an original thought?
Yes, it seems like the probability of all of the random events and circumstances in the world eventually engage every person in a completely original thought. It seems like they must be innumerable.
What does innumerable even mean to you?
I attempt to visualize it, even though that defeats the purpose of the idea of an uncountable amount of numbers. I imagine a number line starting with zero and counting by ones until ten that extends out of my frame of reference. Zooming out, the line itself does not shrink but the intervals between the numbers slide closer together as new intervals of tens and hundreds and millions begin to pop up. The intervals continue to slide together until the number line abruptly stops. What comes after this break? Unable to comprehend any larger such entity than already included in the number line, perhaps it you were to zoom out until the number line were near a dot on the page, it would appear to be just one point of ink on a much larger number line that is also numbered from zero to ten by ones. As you continue to zoom out on this impossibly immense piece of paper going through an impossibly immense printer spitting out an infinitely long and fractal-like number line, perhaps at somepoint you will run out of ink and arrive at some number or entity at the end of the line that can be considered innumerable.
Are innumerable and infinity the same thing?
I would venture to say yes, but as I think more, my above description sounds like an attempt to comprehend infinity, rather than innumerability. Innumerable in a sense seems like a human fault, like an inability to count the entirety of some system while infinity is a natural occurence. If a person were asked to count the number of teaspoons of water in a bathtub full of water, albeit tediously, the task could be accomplished and an approximate answer could be found. However, if a person were asked to count the number of teaspoons of water found in Lake Erie, the chances of such an event occuring and producing a correct answer can be assumed to be zero. The person would rather assume the number of teaspoons present in Lake Erie are innumerable rather than an infinite number of teaspoons.
So, is there a difference between innumerability and impossiblity?
Going back to the issue to approximating Lake Erie's volume of water in teaspoons seems to be an impossibility... I'm going to have to think about this one more.
Who Am I?
--Singular Self Socratic Dialouge--
We'll start with your name.
Joey Meyers.
And how old are you?
17. This feels like a FB note.
What interests you?
I would say math, human relationships, music, neuroscience, and philosophy.
What are you passionate about?
The pursuit of pleasing others.
Do you consider yourself completely selfless then?
Of course not, I just believe that I am more aware of those around me than many other poeple are. It is almost an innate quality and one that I do not control.
How would you describe selflessness?
An emptiness of personal desire and an abundance of willingness to help.
What about recognition? Can you consider a person who commits only selfless acts a selfless person if they gain no recognition for their acts?
Of course. If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? It may not make an audible sound, but it does make an impact, and that impact is the result of the willingness of the selfless to help without recognition.
Should the selfless seek to, in effect, be as unrecognized as possible then?
It is my belief that the most fulfilling acts are selfless acts that go unclaimed. If one commits a selfless act and never knows whether or not that act has benefited someone or something or not, then why can one not assume that it has? It's like Schrödinger's cat; once the cat is in the box, you cannot know whether or not the cat is alive or dead until you open the box and discover the truth, but discovering the truth destroys the meaning of selflessness. The goal of selflessness should not then be to bask in the recognition of your act, but to enjoy the assumption that your act may have impacted someone in an unknown and beneficial way.
....tbc....
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