Thursday, August 1, 2013
Dichotomy
Movies often make me question myself more than any other form of media. As I was watching a movie with the Shelton sisters tonight about "living the life", I couldn't help but wonder, "How many of my actions are made or censored because of the competing desire within myself to please others and myself?" I believe that many of our actions are made without our own conscious support, and without conscious knowledge that we do not even know we are not in control of our decisions. This isn't some predestination bullshit, but many times I feel the desire to conform, make the "right" decision, simply because of environmental and peer influences. How can you live your life the happiest without being an arrogant son of a bitch that has no regard for his or her surroundings? I suppose it comes down to what makes you happiest, seeing others happy or feeling the most happy. I cannot wait for the freedom to decide what to do with the majority of my life in college, decide who and what makes me the happiest, and fuck everything else. :)
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Selfish Shellfish
I am having a bit of a selfish crisis right now.
Everyone has problems. I have my own problems, but should they be more important than anyone else's?
Where can you draw the line between caring... and selfishness?
I feel like I have been dwelling on my own personal issues lately instead of considering how I could help others with their own problems. Perhaps there is a method to that madness, after all, by spending time on other people's problems, won't I have less time to worry about my own problems? Or will their problems quickly become MY problems as well...
So now I am making a problem about dealing with my problems... but what are my problems!? Admitting that they are a problem feels selfish to me. I believe that I do not know what the difference between selfishness and confidence are. Having a lack of confidence may contribute to the fact that one believes that they only do and think selfish things. Are selfish people overly confident, or the converse, are confident people more prone to being selfish?
Personal Definitions:
Confidence- the true and unconscious belief in one's self, instinctual and purposeful belief made to motivate and promote change in one's self
Selfish- self-centered, narcissistic, oblivious, ignorant
I want to be confident, yet unselfish. What kind of person is that? (mother teresa, jk)
I feel as if something has changed in me and it could just be my perception of myself, but it is definitely for the better. I am not sure if it has gone unnoticed, but I sure feel it. My goal for myself for the next few days has been to act out of instinct and think less, thinking is such a hinderance sometimes.
And while you're at it, figure out what you want because saying you don't know isn't a good answer!
Do the you. Sei mich.
Everyone has problems. I have my own problems, but should they be more important than anyone else's?
Where can you draw the line between caring... and selfishness?
I feel like I have been dwelling on my own personal issues lately instead of considering how I could help others with their own problems. Perhaps there is a method to that madness, after all, by spending time on other people's problems, won't I have less time to worry about my own problems? Or will their problems quickly become MY problems as well...
So now I am making a problem about dealing with my problems... but what are my problems!? Admitting that they are a problem feels selfish to me. I believe that I do not know what the difference between selfishness and confidence are. Having a lack of confidence may contribute to the fact that one believes that they only do and think selfish things. Are selfish people overly confident, or the converse, are confident people more prone to being selfish?
Personal Definitions:
Confidence- the true and unconscious belief in one's self, instinctual and purposeful belief made to motivate and promote change in one's self
Selfish- self-centered, narcissistic, oblivious, ignorant
I want to be confident, yet unselfish. What kind of person is that? (mother teresa, jk)
I feel as if something has changed in me and it could just be my perception of myself, but it is definitely for the better. I am not sure if it has gone unnoticed, but I sure feel it. My goal for myself for the next few days has been to act out of instinct and think less, thinking is such a hinderance sometimes.
And while you're at it, figure out what you want because saying you don't know isn't a good answer!
Do the you. Sei mich.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
L.A.L.
"Tis better to have loved and lost/ Than never to have loved all." -Alfred Tennyson
So tell my Tenny, you want ME to go out and profess my love because that will solve all of my problems? Hmmmm. My interpretation is this, "It is better to express your love and be turned down, than to never allow that love to manifest whatsoever." So, what are you waiting for?
I wish that there were a word less binding than love and with more weight than like. I cannot take my feelings seriously enough to call them love, yet they involve too much effort to be considered merely like. Perhaps I appreciate them. I appreciate more than just their personality, but their passion and values and caring and attitude. I appreciate their interest in my interest and motivation. The list goes on...
Maybe my best bet is to open up to them, to love them because their unrequited love is becoming unrecognized appreciation as well. I want them to know that I appreciate them! And to whomever is reading this, I appreciate you as well for putting up with my sappy bullshit. ;)
Like, appreciate, love.
So tell my Tenny, you want ME to go out and profess my love because that will solve all of my problems? Hmmmm. My interpretation is this, "It is better to express your love and be turned down, than to never allow that love to manifest whatsoever." So, what are you waiting for?
I wish that there were a word less binding than love and with more weight than like. I cannot take my feelings seriously enough to call them love, yet they involve too much effort to be considered merely like. Perhaps I appreciate them. I appreciate more than just their personality, but their passion and values and caring and attitude. I appreciate their interest in my interest and motivation. The list goes on...
Maybe my best bet is to open up to them, to love them because their unrequited love is becoming unrecognized appreciation as well. I want them to know that I appreciate them! And to whomever is reading this, I appreciate you as well for putting up with my sappy bullshit. ;)
Like, appreciate, love.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Need
I need this. I need that. I need YOU. I've been caught in this struggle recently between my desire for them and my desire to see them happy. I just can't get past the fact that I feel like such a selfish person! I wish I could write it all out, but I can hardly bear to think about it, let alone conjure up paragraphs about it. It's one of those unsolvable questions that you just can't seem to let go of. And the person whose advice I trust the most is the one with whom I'm caught up in. Blinded by desire.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
When in Need
Today, I learned a valuable life lesson. You can not always do it yourself. For some reason, my independence had me in a false state of mind that I could fix any of my problems if I just spent enough time alone thinking about them, but this is almost never the case. I suppose that this way of searching for answers may occasionally come upon some sort of appeasement of my questioning, but I also found myself often spiraling down into a negatively-fueled pity-session where I was trying be the therapist and the patient simultaneously. Asking for answers from the very person who asked the question. Sometimes it just takes another person, or group of people, to help you answer those deep and often dark questions that elude you when you're by yourself. Like trying to catch your own shadow, it is often out of reach unless someone else makes the shadow for you.
Now, new life lesson to attempt... eventually. Learning how to accept the fact that you can not always get everything you want. Too many times I find myself obsessing over something or even someone that I desire, a burning that I just can't seem to put out. Maybe it's a good thing that I can feel so strongly about something, but it's also scary. Letting go can be a hard thing for anyone, but my fear of rejection makes me afraid to even initiate contact. But obsessing is one of my flaws. That is another thing that being around a group of people that you like can help alleviate. Being with friends can make you forget everything you thought or felt about that thing or person you were just consumed with recently. Just the other day, I scared myself when for the first time ever, I found myself crying and I could not determine a reason for it. Here I was, standing in the shower and crying. Isn't this what girls do almost every day? But I'm not a girl... and that's a stereotype. So what is wrong with me? I know exactly what (or rather who) was bothering me, but I honestly do not feel the need to write it down for this blog. Just don't worry about and don't let your dreams get the best of you, that's the best advice I can give myself. (see... therapist... at least I'm in a better mood)
So, I'll leave myself with a few questions from the book that I am currently reading.
Who are you?
Where does the world come from?
Now, new life lesson to attempt... eventually. Learning how to accept the fact that you can not always get everything you want. Too many times I find myself obsessing over something or even someone that I desire, a burning that I just can't seem to put out. Maybe it's a good thing that I can feel so strongly about something, but it's also scary. Letting go can be a hard thing for anyone, but my fear of rejection makes me afraid to even initiate contact. But obsessing is one of my flaws. That is another thing that being around a group of people that you like can help alleviate. Being with friends can make you forget everything you thought or felt about that thing or person you were just consumed with recently. Just the other day, I scared myself when for the first time ever, I found myself crying and I could not determine a reason for it. Here I was, standing in the shower and crying. Isn't this what girls do almost every day? But I'm not a girl... and that's a stereotype. So what is wrong with me? I know exactly what (or rather who) was bothering me, but I honestly do not feel the need to write it down for this blog. Just don't worry about and don't let your dreams get the best of you, that's the best advice I can give myself. (see... therapist... at least I'm in a better mood)
So, I'll leave myself with a few questions from the book that I am currently reading.
Who are you?
Where does the world come from?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
We're All in a Rush
So, here it is. Just minutes ago, I was sitting at my phone waiting for a friend to respond to my text message and I was just idly flipping through pictures and scrolling through pages of useless Facebook posts asking me to "like this in 3 seconds" or my personal favorite, "keep scrolling if you hate God!" when I had a sudden epiphany. What the heck was I doing for the past three minutes? Passing my time waiting on a text message by doing what? Absolutely nothing. And that was when I realized, my concept of time has been completely changed by my cell phone.
When we were younger, the only "time" that we had was lunchtime, dinnertime, and best of all; playtime. Our clocks were run by how long we could play and run before we completely ran out of energy... to our parent's delight. Our lives were measured internally, not by the incessant stream of information that we receive through our phones. I feel as if my own life is measured in seconds and minutes of anticipation-filled waiting rather than an enjoyment of the present. That being said, you cannot live completely in the present because preparation for the future is what allows us to accomplish goals and meet expectations. It just seems to me that since the moment I was bestowed a cellular device, my life has been completely changed.
What I can not seem to figure out however, is why we are so addicted to our cell phones. I suppose since cell phones became financially available to the middle class, they have became a luxury that people have been unwilling to set aside. Instantaneous communication with friends and family around the globe is now available for a small price and a monthly investment. Cell phones are now also turning into boredom busters too as they offer limitless numbers of games and other apps to take what little time we have and use it for their own.
The iPhone just happens to have a nice timer to clock the number of minutes, or more likely, hours that you have used your phone since the last charge. Hmmmm. Let's crunch the numbers for the day. Well, since the last charge around two o'clock today, I have used my phone for approximately two and one half hours. *embarrassed* Well, hypocrisy is in these days, so I'm relatively unaffected by learning this about myself. I just can't help but ask myself, "Couldn't I be spending my precious moments on this Earth doing something more productive than plucking hairs out of some guys imaginary nose or shooting indestructible birds at relatively sound structures?" What has the world come to!
There is not enough time in this life to obsess, to worry, or to hold grudges. I see these words, but a lot of the time I cannot avoid committing these very acts every day. I suppose we grow every day and just the act of writing these things will not make them come to fruition. Oh, you so tired of this, aren't you? Well, fine. ...tbc...
When we were younger, the only "time" that we had was lunchtime, dinnertime, and best of all; playtime. Our clocks were run by how long we could play and run before we completely ran out of energy... to our parent's delight. Our lives were measured internally, not by the incessant stream of information that we receive through our phones. I feel as if my own life is measured in seconds and minutes of anticipation-filled waiting rather than an enjoyment of the present. That being said, you cannot live completely in the present because preparation for the future is what allows us to accomplish goals and meet expectations. It just seems to me that since the moment I was bestowed a cellular device, my life has been completely changed.
What I can not seem to figure out however, is why we are so addicted to our cell phones. I suppose since cell phones became financially available to the middle class, they have became a luxury that people have been unwilling to set aside. Instantaneous communication with friends and family around the globe is now available for a small price and a monthly investment. Cell phones are now also turning into boredom busters too as they offer limitless numbers of games and other apps to take what little time we have and use it for their own.
The iPhone just happens to have a nice timer to clock the number of minutes, or more likely, hours that you have used your phone since the last charge. Hmmmm. Let's crunch the numbers for the day. Well, since the last charge around two o'clock today, I have used my phone for approximately two and one half hours. *embarrassed* Well, hypocrisy is in these days, so I'm relatively unaffected by learning this about myself. I just can't help but ask myself, "Couldn't I be spending my precious moments on this Earth doing something more productive than plucking hairs out of some guys imaginary nose or shooting indestructible birds at relatively sound structures?" What has the world come to!
There is not enough time in this life to obsess, to worry, or to hold grudges. I see these words, but a lot of the time I cannot avoid committing these very acts every day. I suppose we grow every day and just the act of writing these things will not make them come to fruition. Oh, you so tired of this, aren't you? Well, fine. ...tbc...
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Day by Day
Mission Trip '12
Day 1: So, today we traveled to Panther, WV in our little vans and prepared ourselves to serve the citizens of Panther. Being as there is no cell service within twenty miles of the small community, these entries will be the only method of writing any sort of thing down to remember. Here goes. We left Greenville around 8 o'clock and prepared for the long journey to Wherever the heck Panther is in West Virginia. The car ride up was nice and we drove through some awesome mountain towns and little villages. The views were gorgeous. Even though I was crammed into the back of the Loser Cruiser, I was very content being in the mountains with some awesome people. We stopped a few times and then took "the road less traveled" up and over this mountain where we ran into a total of ZERO cars. A quite precarious U-turn was also in the program and that provided many squeals as the van tried to edge itself 180 degrees on this one lane mountain road. But we finally descended and just happened to run into the campgrounds that were staying at! There is no way to describe the area that we are staying in besides "secluded". It's like a whole different world here. Later that night, it felt as if huge, mountain walls were either keeping something outside their walls or trying to keep us in, I was not sure. We unpacked and then visited the sites that we would be working on. I believe my biggest struggle on this trip will be trying to relate and interact with the local people in a way that doesn't offend them. Like Mimi said tonight at our group session, "We are here to provide help, not judge the people." Probably important to remember. We ate dinner and then that sort of turned into a group session with a few ice breakers and then compline at the end. Another expectation of this trip feels selfish in a good way because I want to further my individual faith relationship with God through this service work. Having no contact with the outside world is sort of a shock, but there are definitely some things I needed to get away from and this week of work and worship will hopefully set me straight. Some things I'm worried about are no contact with the outside world, dealing with people appropriately (Panthers and fellow trippers) and eating enough food. I love eating and that overly-vegetable dinner left me starving. So now here I am, sweating my butt off in this dorm, famished yet not unhappy. Is this what true sacrifice feels like? Who knows, but I suppose I could get used to this. Let us see what God had planned for my fellow missionaries and I this week.
-11:40
Day 2: Whew, what a long yet satisfying day. I was woken up by my father saying "you ever going to get up?" around 7 this morning and I honestly did not know the answer. But I found the initiative somewhere between the sticky sweatiness that I had developed overnight and the idea of delicious breakfast in my stomach. Breakfast came and went and then we had morning prayer and we were off to our sites. Being in charge of the bridge project was a source of some anxiety for me as I have had little carpentry experience, but I would soon find out that it was all just a giant puzzle to figure out. (Joey likes puzzles.) For the first three hours of the day, we planned and mapped and destroyed as much as we could. Though there was not much to show for our work at lunchtime, I was plenty exhausted and STARVING to happily scarf down two sandwiches and excessive numbers of cookies. For some reason, I have a weird obsession with playground equipment and was excited to find out that others did too! So after lunch we played on the merry-go-round and swings for entirely too long and then we were back to our mission sites. Once we got back, I began to get the feeling that instead of this being Karl and my own's project, it was quickly becoming only his, however this did not bother me as much as I expected and I allowed him to take the reins and completed most of the background work such as cleaning up and chiseling the groves for the supports. I have been having a great time designing this bridge and figuring out all of the measurements and resource needs and I am really solidifying in my mind that engineering is for me. After working on the bridge for a few more hours, we headed over to the pool and it felt AWESOME. The water was cool and the sun was not overly hot and I thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner we explored the 'crick' and took some group pictures. Then we had a quick bible study followed by evening compline and then we had some free time. Bananagrams is a lot of fun, although the autocorrect wants to change it to ban anagrams. I was getting tired around 10:15 so I headed back early and got ready for bed and decided I needed some relaxation time in the beautiful outdoors. As I sat on the swing and merry-go-round in the dark solitude, I realized that I was afraid of something. What that something was I could not directly pinpoint and although the merry-go-round was not spinning, when I closed my eyes it felt as if I were spiraling down into some unknown. I've noticed lately that when I've tried relaxing and thinking, it has only caused me anxiety and sadness, so I took this time to simply breate and enjoy the beauty of the mountains that have encased us on a mission to serve. Now I lay here, content with the day but with only one misgiving. Who are you doing this for? God or yourself? It's not an easy question especially without the oppressive heat. I want to accept God and have faith, but how? My ears and heart are open to you Lord, let me catch your whispered teachings and hold on to them before the blow away into the depths of the town that does not really exist, Panther. This is the perfect situation to figure this all out... It only takes you. :)
-11:05
Day 3: Wow, this week is doing crazy things to my ability to tell time. First off, I can't believe it had already been two full days out on the sites, the days are going by so fast! Yet... I can't understand my desire to for it to be over. Homesick? Nahh. Miss your friends? Possibly. I have no idea. But this morning was similar to the other morning where we got up for breakfast and then headed to the mission sites. The bridge is looking AWESOME and I can't wait for it to be finished. Then we came back for lunch and I had the best sandwich that has ever been created with turkey, bacon, ham, fresh tomato, lettuce, provolone, salt, and pepper. Mouth is watering still. We returned to our sites after lunch and things got a little damp... It started raining and lightning-ing (?) and we were running out of lumber so we called it a day around 2:30. We were the lazy team that didn't stick out the rain... Oops, however I worked out with Olivia and then she taught me how to make these interesting friendship bracelets so that I have another thing occupy my free-time. And then we mostly played games such as four-square (and seven years ago), Boxers or Briefs, Apples to Apples, and other things until dinner and evening prayer. Afterwards, mainly the youth starting playing games and then we started acting out stories which evolved into giving everyone a separate character and a scene and just free-for-all'ing. It was so much fun. Some of my characters were an orange in the process of being juiced, Tourette's, and a person on the last day of their life. Everyone participated and had an awesome time, I couldn't take the video because I was laughing so hard. Well this has felt sort of summary-like so far so I'm going to change gears a little bit. I have not exactly pinpointed my purpose and motivation behind this mission trip. I love the idea of faith, but for some unknown reason, I will not accept it as my own. We were in group study and I was smiling around at all of the Christian faces around me and I felt alone, an outsider, like my pathetic attempt at faith was being broadcast through my teeth for everyone to see. I want to know what is holding me back from a relationship with Christ, I just can't seem to let go. (of what?-day 4) I also can not seem to get my mind off of issues from back home that keep popping up from time to time. Past angers and relationships and loves are blotting out my path towards a healthy faith relationship that I would love to build through this mission trip. I feel selfish, but I am beginning to realize that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. You can not always care about what others think and do around you, whether it affects you or not. Respect yourself and have confidence. Make your own choices and live your life the way that makes you happiest and those around you the happiest. Maybe Utilitarian is the way to go. So hopes for tomorrow are to continue preparing myself for the leap of faith that is coming in the coming days or months. I can feel it. Soon, my faith will be tested and this mission trip right here is going to get me ready, so look out Panther or wherever the heck I am right now, you're about to change someone's life for the better. The irony of a service mission trip! You work for them equally as much as they work on you. Something to thing about. Now go.
-12:36
Day 4: Wait, what? It can't seriously be day four already. That is absolute insanity. It feels as if I got here only hours ago and now here I am at the pinnacle of the week, preparing for the end of a long and hard week. Incredible. Well, same morning routine, lunch, and afternoon schedule as well. Met one of my goals to connect with the local people and chatted with a man from up the mountain who told me much of his life and about how Comin to WV brought him into faith once again. Awesome chat. Once we retired to the campsite for the rest of the day, I learned how to make more friendship bracelets and I'm not going to lie, they are pretty enjoyable to make. Sort of. By this time in the week, I was running on fumes and I took a very much needed nap before dinner that perked me right up for the remainder of the evening. I had an interesting revelation during our evening study session. Jkidding (<---for memory, not serious), I had two. The first came when we were discussing a tough parable about a group of people who worked all day that got paid the same amount as people who worked only one hour (Matthew 20: 1-16). To myself this didn't seem fair, but I was trying to get past that yet I was still struggling with it. Once we returned to the circle, Mimi said something interesting that struck an internal chord with me. "For others we want justice, yet for ourselves we want mercy." When I heard this, everything just fell into place for me. Jesus will love us no matter what we do to stop him or make ourselves think we are stopping him. It's like a perpetual love-giving machine, the perfect girlfriend (totally kidding). To God, there is no such thing as 'fairness' and 'justice' because there is only his grace and his love. You can never be lonely when God is always loving you. Another realization came when I personally started the song that we were going to be singing for post-Compline. Where did this confidence come from? Normally I would never sing in front of a single person, yet here I was starting a solo in front of the entire group. God, what kind of crazy things are you getting at? I know I have had confidence issues in the past, but this surprised me and I was just so happy that I was so comfortable around such an awesome group of people. Episcopalians rock. So, for tomorrow I want my expectation to be that I will have more conscious prayers and for conscience-friendy prayers. Care about others. Be a helping hand where need and don't be too critical of yourself. You're just fine the way you are.
-11:26
Day 5: I think I could get used to this sweaty, dirty bed. I can honestly say that my sanitation grade would probably be around a C or a D right now and really, I'm okay with it. Shower once a day and just rough it the rest of the time. Not having to worry about how you appear is really a draw for this mission trip. Today was a normal day and we pretty much completed the entire bridge except for a few, security braces for the supports. It feels awesome to create something so usable and crafty that is most likely going to stand for the next fifty or one hundred years. God-willing. Honestly, nothing has really changed from the other days besides the fact that my dad left today to go on an anniversary date/party in Boone with my mom. It was good to see her tonight. I am anxious to see Joey back in the real world and traveling through it with Jesus on his side. Who knows what great things can be accomplished. Although I am not 100% convinced of my faith, I am positive that God's unconditional love and grace would give me a meaningful purpose in life and something to strive for. How to follow? Live it up.
-12:23
Day 1: So, today we traveled to Panther, WV in our little vans and prepared ourselves to serve the citizens of Panther. Being as there is no cell service within twenty miles of the small community, these entries will be the only method of writing any sort of thing down to remember. Here goes. We left Greenville around 8 o'clock and prepared for the long journey to Wherever the heck Panther is in West Virginia. The car ride up was nice and we drove through some awesome mountain towns and little villages. The views were gorgeous. Even though I was crammed into the back of the Loser Cruiser, I was very content being in the mountains with some awesome people. We stopped a few times and then took "the road less traveled" up and over this mountain where we ran into a total of ZERO cars. A quite precarious U-turn was also in the program and that provided many squeals as the van tried to edge itself 180 degrees on this one lane mountain road. But we finally descended and just happened to run into the campgrounds that were staying at! There is no way to describe the area that we are staying in besides "secluded". It's like a whole different world here. Later that night, it felt as if huge, mountain walls were either keeping something outside their walls or trying to keep us in, I was not sure. We unpacked and then visited the sites that we would be working on. I believe my biggest struggle on this trip will be trying to relate and interact with the local people in a way that doesn't offend them. Like Mimi said tonight at our group session, "We are here to provide help, not judge the people." Probably important to remember. We ate dinner and then that sort of turned into a group session with a few ice breakers and then compline at the end. Another expectation of this trip feels selfish in a good way because I want to further my individual faith relationship with God through this service work. Having no contact with the outside world is sort of a shock, but there are definitely some things I needed to get away from and this week of work and worship will hopefully set me straight. Some things I'm worried about are no contact with the outside world, dealing with people appropriately (Panthers and fellow trippers) and eating enough food. I love eating and that overly-vegetable dinner left me starving. So now here I am, sweating my butt off in this dorm, famished yet not unhappy. Is this what true sacrifice feels like? Who knows, but I suppose I could get used to this. Let us see what God had planned for my fellow missionaries and I this week.
-11:40
Day 2: Whew, what a long yet satisfying day. I was woken up by my father saying "you ever going to get up?" around 7 this morning and I honestly did not know the answer. But I found the initiative somewhere between the sticky sweatiness that I had developed overnight and the idea of delicious breakfast in my stomach. Breakfast came and went and then we had morning prayer and we were off to our sites. Being in charge of the bridge project was a source of some anxiety for me as I have had little carpentry experience, but I would soon find out that it was all just a giant puzzle to figure out. (Joey likes puzzles.) For the first three hours of the day, we planned and mapped and destroyed as much as we could. Though there was not much to show for our work at lunchtime, I was plenty exhausted and STARVING to happily scarf down two sandwiches and excessive numbers of cookies. For some reason, I have a weird obsession with playground equipment and was excited to find out that others did too! So after lunch we played on the merry-go-round and swings for entirely too long and then we were back to our mission sites. Once we got back, I began to get the feeling that instead of this being Karl and my own's project, it was quickly becoming only his, however this did not bother me as much as I expected and I allowed him to take the reins and completed most of the background work such as cleaning up and chiseling the groves for the supports. I have been having a great time designing this bridge and figuring out all of the measurements and resource needs and I am really solidifying in my mind that engineering is for me. After working on the bridge for a few more hours, we headed over to the pool and it felt AWESOME. The water was cool and the sun was not overly hot and I thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner we explored the 'crick' and took some group pictures. Then we had a quick bible study followed by evening compline and then we had some free time. Bananagrams is a lot of fun, although the autocorrect wants to change it to ban anagrams. I was getting tired around 10:15 so I headed back early and got ready for bed and decided I needed some relaxation time in the beautiful outdoors. As I sat on the swing and merry-go-round in the dark solitude, I realized that I was afraid of something. What that something was I could not directly pinpoint and although the merry-go-round was not spinning, when I closed my eyes it felt as if I were spiraling down into some unknown. I've noticed lately that when I've tried relaxing and thinking, it has only caused me anxiety and sadness, so I took this time to simply breate and enjoy the beauty of the mountains that have encased us on a mission to serve. Now I lay here, content with the day but with only one misgiving. Who are you doing this for? God or yourself? It's not an easy question especially without the oppressive heat. I want to accept God and have faith, but how? My ears and heart are open to you Lord, let me catch your whispered teachings and hold on to them before the blow away into the depths of the town that does not really exist, Panther. This is the perfect situation to figure this all out... It only takes you. :)
-11:05
Day 3: Wow, this week is doing crazy things to my ability to tell time. First off, I can't believe it had already been two full days out on the sites, the days are going by so fast! Yet... I can't understand my desire to for it to be over. Homesick? Nahh. Miss your friends? Possibly. I have no idea. But this morning was similar to the other morning where we got up for breakfast and then headed to the mission sites. The bridge is looking AWESOME and I can't wait for it to be finished. Then we came back for lunch and I had the best sandwich that has ever been created with turkey, bacon, ham, fresh tomato, lettuce, provolone, salt, and pepper. Mouth is watering still. We returned to our sites after lunch and things got a little damp... It started raining and lightning-ing (?) and we were running out of lumber so we called it a day around 2:30. We were the lazy team that didn't stick out the rain... Oops, however I worked out with Olivia and then she taught me how to make these interesting friendship bracelets so that I have another thing occupy my free-time. And then we mostly played games such as four-square (and seven years ago), Boxers or Briefs, Apples to Apples, and other things until dinner and evening prayer. Afterwards, mainly the youth starting playing games and then we started acting out stories which evolved into giving everyone a separate character and a scene and just free-for-all'ing. It was so much fun. Some of my characters were an orange in the process of being juiced, Tourette's, and a person on the last day of their life. Everyone participated and had an awesome time, I couldn't take the video because I was laughing so hard. Well this has felt sort of summary-like so far so I'm going to change gears a little bit. I have not exactly pinpointed my purpose and motivation behind this mission trip. I love the idea of faith, but for some unknown reason, I will not accept it as my own. We were in group study and I was smiling around at all of the Christian faces around me and I felt alone, an outsider, like my pathetic attempt at faith was being broadcast through my teeth for everyone to see. I want to know what is holding me back from a relationship with Christ, I just can't seem to let go. (of what?-day 4) I also can not seem to get my mind off of issues from back home that keep popping up from time to time. Past angers and relationships and loves are blotting out my path towards a healthy faith relationship that I would love to build through this mission trip. I feel selfish, but I am beginning to realize that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. You can not always care about what others think and do around you, whether it affects you or not. Respect yourself and have confidence. Make your own choices and live your life the way that makes you happiest and those around you the happiest. Maybe Utilitarian is the way to go. So hopes for tomorrow are to continue preparing myself for the leap of faith that is coming in the coming days or months. I can feel it. Soon, my faith will be tested and this mission trip right here is going to get me ready, so look out Panther or wherever the heck I am right now, you're about to change someone's life for the better. The irony of a service mission trip! You work for them equally as much as they work on you. Something to thing about. Now go.
-12:36
Day 4: Wait, what? It can't seriously be day four already. That is absolute insanity. It feels as if I got here only hours ago and now here I am at the pinnacle of the week, preparing for the end of a long and hard week. Incredible. Well, same morning routine, lunch, and afternoon schedule as well. Met one of my goals to connect with the local people and chatted with a man from up the mountain who told me much of his life and about how Comin to WV brought him into faith once again. Awesome chat. Once we retired to the campsite for the rest of the day, I learned how to make more friendship bracelets and I'm not going to lie, they are pretty enjoyable to make. Sort of. By this time in the week, I was running on fumes and I took a very much needed nap before dinner that perked me right up for the remainder of the evening. I had an interesting revelation during our evening study session. Jkidding (<---for memory, not serious), I had two. The first came when we were discussing a tough parable about a group of people who worked all day that got paid the same amount as people who worked only one hour (Matthew 20: 1-16). To myself this didn't seem fair, but I was trying to get past that yet I was still struggling with it. Once we returned to the circle, Mimi said something interesting that struck an internal chord with me. "For others we want justice, yet for ourselves we want mercy." When I heard this, everything just fell into place for me. Jesus will love us no matter what we do to stop him or make ourselves think we are stopping him. It's like a perpetual love-giving machine, the perfect girlfriend (totally kidding). To God, there is no such thing as 'fairness' and 'justice' because there is only his grace and his love. You can never be lonely when God is always loving you. Another realization came when I personally started the song that we were going to be singing for post-Compline. Where did this confidence come from? Normally I would never sing in front of a single person, yet here I was starting a solo in front of the entire group. God, what kind of crazy things are you getting at? I know I have had confidence issues in the past, but this surprised me and I was just so happy that I was so comfortable around such an awesome group of people. Episcopalians rock. So, for tomorrow I want my expectation to be that I will have more conscious prayers and for conscience-friendy prayers. Care about others. Be a helping hand where need and don't be too critical of yourself. You're just fine the way you are.
-11:26
Day 5: I think I could get used to this sweaty, dirty bed. I can honestly say that my sanitation grade would probably be around a C or a D right now and really, I'm okay with it. Shower once a day and just rough it the rest of the time. Not having to worry about how you appear is really a draw for this mission trip. Today was a normal day and we pretty much completed the entire bridge except for a few, security braces for the supports. It feels awesome to create something so usable and crafty that is most likely going to stand for the next fifty or one hundred years. God-willing. Honestly, nothing has really changed from the other days besides the fact that my dad left today to go on an anniversary date/party in Boone with my mom. It was good to see her tonight. I am anxious to see Joey back in the real world and traveling through it with Jesus on his side. Who knows what great things can be accomplished. Although I am not 100% convinced of my faith, I am positive that God's unconditional love and grace would give me a meaningful purpose in life and something to strive for. How to follow? Live it up.
-12:23
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