Introspection from the Source

     So, today I really sat back (not literally, well sorta) and I could not stop thinking about different things today. During my Area II class I was caught completely off guard when she called on me, but it wasn't because I wasn't paying attention, I was merely distracted by my own crazy though processes. Okay, I was a little bored, but that is beside the point! At least I was engaging my brain.

     For some reason I think that I cannot get past the fact that I want to be perfect in every aspect of my life... and this SUCKS. Socially, I must be the funniest and never say anything that will upset anyone in any shape or form. The only thing that I am good at is academics, and i'm not even that intelligent. All I do is memorize and make good grades on tests to impress teachers and my parents. I hate myself for being so selfish sometimes. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. And by you, I mean me. And by me, I mean my innate selfishness that kills me, I can't stand that part of me. I can be a complete asshole sometimes, but is that really how I am? Talking about authentic selves in Area II today made me think about this. Who am I really? Am I ever acting the way that I was born to act? All I know is that when I do something that either isn't funny, or somehow offends someone, I feel as though I am acting unauthentically. But is this an appropriate reaction? I think that I need to stick to my guns more often (expression I stole from Leo, who stole from the play that he was in) and stand up for what I believe. Maybe I have a lack of emotion that just won't allow me to stand up for myself and keep me in the fight... who knows, I SHOULD.

     So... this has been fairly negative, so I'm going to add a positive portion in naming things that I like about myself. I like that I am fairly entertaining, I joke a lot, I am fairly athletic, I remain studious, I make attempts to keep secrets. There are plenty of good things about me. Going back to a story that we read in Area II the other day (I guess it is a relatable class) this guy would go around stealing people's identities and then use them for his own. I feel like I do this every day. And what Evyn said today, we are a collection of nonoriginal ideas that form to make one original person. So true. Humans were built to mimic others and build off of themselves. I just feel so outpaced by everyone here, like I am not quite at the level of intelligence that they are at. It saddens me.

    I obviously just want everyone to like me... okay, after reading what I've said so far, I'm just complaining about everything I don't like about myself. Alright, so I don't like that, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Most of the time I take the approach of just discouraging my own actions because I don't want to fuck up or do something that would be see as "unsatisfactory". I am the only one who can change me, and change, I will.

  

Governor's School Break: Day 1

I find myself longing to be the best of what everyone else is. Is that even a valid excuse for why I cannot "perform" to my level of social confidence that I strive for every day? I don't think so.

Nostalgia really is a bitch these days. I linger in the past, when the future is the only thing I have going for me, so why keep my mind in the past when I have better days, better thoughts, and better relationships to form in the future? I see a trait that someone else has, and I want it for my own. Or compare it to my own mediocre self who only wishes to be whatever it is not. Hrmph. Who am I to try to be who I am not? And who am I to think that it's okay for me to allow myself to do this? Portrayal through others leads only to sad and unfortunate lives. Trust me.

So... Running through my head.

Three weeks of governor's school already gone! Cannot believe it. It went by so fast that I honestly can't believe it. It is currently Sunday morning and I don't go back until Tuesday afternoon... way too long from now. Governor's School is the perfect atmosphere to harbor all of the thoughts that I've been contemplating but haven't quite been able to piece together quite yet. I believe that I may be becoming an atheist, but I would rather not share this belief until later into the future so that people do not think that GS has turned me into a "god-bashing" atheist, because that is definitely not how it goes at the ol' Salem.

I think I'm beginning to appreciate classical music more because of GS. I'm actually listening to a Pandora channel that plays classical symphonic music. And I like it.

I know the intro was a little unrelatable, but that was just what was on my mind at that moment, so I wrote it down, no matter how unsatisfactory of myself it sounds.

I need to work out more. I'm getting lazy and XC season is coming soon and I don't want to get caught unprepared for the season... That means I'm running tomorrow! Blehhhh... Whatever.

So.... First blog ever. Kinda sparse. I'll get better at this. I'M OUT.

-Joe