Introspection from the Source

     So, today I really sat back (not literally, well sorta) and I could not stop thinking about different things today. During my Area II class I was caught completely off guard when she called on me, but it wasn't because I wasn't paying attention, I was merely distracted by my own crazy though processes. Okay, I was a little bored, but that is beside the point! At least I was engaging my brain.

     For some reason I think that I cannot get past the fact that I want to be perfect in every aspect of my life... and this SUCKS. Socially, I must be the funniest and never say anything that will upset anyone in any shape or form. The only thing that I am good at is academics, and i'm not even that intelligent. All I do is memorize and make good grades on tests to impress teachers and my parents. I hate myself for being so selfish sometimes. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. And by you, I mean me. And by me, I mean my innate selfishness that kills me, I can't stand that part of me. I can be a complete asshole sometimes, but is that really how I am? Talking about authentic selves in Area II today made me think about this. Who am I really? Am I ever acting the way that I was born to act? All I know is that when I do something that either isn't funny, or somehow offends someone, I feel as though I am acting unauthentically. But is this an appropriate reaction? I think that I need to stick to my guns more often (expression I stole from Leo, who stole from the play that he was in) and stand up for what I believe. Maybe I have a lack of emotion that just won't allow me to stand up for myself and keep me in the fight... who knows, I SHOULD.

     So... this has been fairly negative, so I'm going to add a positive portion in naming things that I like about myself. I like that I am fairly entertaining, I joke a lot, I am fairly athletic, I remain studious, I make attempts to keep secrets. There are plenty of good things about me. Going back to a story that we read in Area II the other day (I guess it is a relatable class) this guy would go around stealing people's identities and then use them for his own. I feel like I do this every day. And what Evyn said today, we are a collection of nonoriginal ideas that form to make one original person. So true. Humans were built to mimic others and build off of themselves. I just feel so outpaced by everyone here, like I am not quite at the level of intelligence that they are at. It saddens me.

    I obviously just want everyone to like me... okay, after reading what I've said so far, I'm just complaining about everything I don't like about myself. Alright, so I don't like that, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Most of the time I take the approach of just discouraging my own actions because I don't want to fuck up or do something that would be see as "unsatisfactory". I am the only one who can change me, and change, I will.