Unloading

Going into this with no expectations, however I just need to let a few things flow through these hands out of my brain and into some viewable form. Something about the tangibility of my thoughts makes them more concrete. I just wish there were a place other than this blog that I could share them because they still feel unsafe. See, right now, I'm have a crisis inside my brain about why the hell I am even writing this in the first place because first of all, I probably won't read it ever again and second, I don't want anyone to read it anyways. Maybe I just want someone to talk to...
     I can honestly say that I do not have anyone with whom I feel like I can be 100% myself around. My closest friends or those I trust the most would probably have to be Mckenzie, Samantha, Isaac, Jacob, Stokes, and Josh. Besides these people, I probably don't reveal 75% of the true me. Isaac is the only person I have told everything to but just the influence of his religion keeps me from saying certain things around him. Mckenzie is probably my most understandable friend. Why am I so scared of myself? I don't trust others so how can I trust myself? I suppose I should learn to trust myself. Supposing is so much more intelligent and thoughtful than guessing. I guess. See what I mean? (rhetorical question to myself... what the hell do I do now?)
     While I continue to whine and complain about everything that is wrong with me, I hope that if I'm reading this in the future, I'll have solved many of the problems that have arisen in my measly 17 years of life that seem such a big deal to my psyche. I could not have a job. I could not have parents. I could not have instantaneous access to my friends. I could have no shelter. I could have no food. I could have no self esteem. I could be overweight. Putting life into perspective is one of the hardest things for me to integrate into my life. I would definitely consider myself blessed. Blessed by whom? No idea. I would just love, absolutely to believe that God has chosen me to be blessed in the ways that I am, but I cannot accept that answer. It's like trying to analyze The Scarlet Letter with an illiterate Spanish-speaker. I love the passion and forgiveness and openness that religion and faith brings upon people, I see it in Isaac and Mckenzie and Samantha and many other of my friends but I just cannot assume a faithful position on life. I've tried. Two weeks ago today, I tried to accept Jesus into my heart with Isaac. What happened to that? You can change your life right now if you want to... was it a lack of determination? Am I too ill-spirited and undetermined enough that I cannot even give Jesus a chance? That's pathetic. You're better than that and I want to give myself that chance but I just do not know how to do it. Sympatico...
     I am unsure of my position on social networking. I mean, I'm definitely a victim of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and they have become such an integral part of my life that I'm not sure that I could honestly survive and nurture friendships without them... It's just like writing this blog, I want everyone to know everything about me, all the time. An impossible goal, yes? But with the Big Three Social Networking sites, they make it seem like a damn good idea to try. Like just then, I seamlessly transitioned from typing this to scrolling down my FB newsfeed without even thinking about the fact that my attention span in dwindling down to zero every time I allow myself to flit back and forth from my current task to some social network. I feel our generation should be Generation Multitask because honestly, our brains were only designed to take on one task at a time and people sure as hell drive while eating and talking on their phones nearly every day.
      I'm having an extremely helpless moment right now. I just read something that I wrote in the Notes section of my phone a couple days ago and it says "Helplessness is humbling." hmmm... ya don't say? Once you've gotten to the point where you've always known exactly what you want and gotten most of the things you've wanted and then you come to a crossroads and each fork has it's perks, yet you can't for the life of you decide which fork to take, it's a humbling experience. When I imagine the word 'humbling', I see a person covering themselves in a fetal position on the ground in some sort of struggle to protect themselves. Not every humbling experience is an embarrassing one, but often times it feels like you're trying to protect yourself from something, be it a loss of reputation or some other social judgement. Right now, my hidden feelings for someone are definitely the thing I'm letting beat me down. It's unexplainable. I love having them as my friend and having them guide me down the right path, but at the same time, I can not help myself from becoming more and more attached to them. It's absolutely the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, hands down. (weird expression) I'm almost even uncomfortable putting it down as something that I can read because it's just not something that I've allowed myself to accept. It just seems, the more that I repress it, the more it manifests itself. It's not something that I should allow myself to live with. Either come out with it, or stop hanging out with them. Bottom line. In the end, you're only hurting both you and them (woah, this took a weird turn from first person to some omniscient third person therapist) by the fact that you are leading them on in a friendship that is based off of a need a be around that person. Why are you so damn creepy? haha.
     Well, I suppose these things are at the forefront of Joey Meyers' mind tonight and who knows, maybe one day none of this bullsheet will matter. But for now, I'm out.