Just had an interesting dialogue with my mom about religion and her lack of faith. For background, she has been a "closeted agnostic" since she was a teenager. Understanding this thirty year gap helped me to really focus on what was really the issue; the fact that she has been so stuck on the idea of not believing for so long that she has lost her willingness to open herself up to new ideas.
I was stuck in an interesting situation as I have struggled with my faith until an awesome chat with a great friend whose belief and faith in Christ is evident in everything he does. That happened two days ago, however I did not want my own personal confusion to allow my mom to leave the conversation unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I decided instead of trying to answer her questions, I would allow her to speak her mind and then remind her that without an open mind, no belief will ever change. I knew I was stepping into uncomfortable territory with some of the things that I brought up, however I hope that it really made her think about the way that she reacts to others' beliefs because one simply cannot let a thought rush through them in they keep their mind sealed.
I myself often struggle with the big questions about religion, but when I step back and think about my honest beliefs, it's not about finding the answers to those big questions for me. Seeing people who are filled with God's presence that radiates from them with every word they speak convinces me that it is not the big ideas that matter, but all of the small miracles and people who make up the impact of the church that define my belief in religion. Some may find religion an excuse for comfort and explanation while I now see it as a purpose to grow and find meaning. A life lived for Jesus is a wholesome and generous life. There are those without religion who have done great, selfless things: but the power and compassion of a doer of the Lord's will has an army of faith behind them. I know I have a long way to go and will most likely never reach the end of my faith journey, but it's a promising road and a road that I would love to accept.
It seems as though we, humans, tend to want to make things important. Such as other people's opinions of us, something inside of us wants to preserve a good reputation with all other people. I find myself compromising my own beliefs for the acceptance of others and I am challenging myself to question whether I am okay with this. Should I be okay with this? Probably not. Maybe I've unintentionally given this blog a purpose just now. To determine what I believe in so that when the time comes I can know exactly what to say at the right time... if only it were that simple. On the surface it may be that, or just a general hope of prolonging a time in my life by saving it onto the World Wide Web. I think it is safe to assume that there is no clear cut purpose I had in making this blog, however it's almost comforting to see a hard copy of my thoughts projected through this blog. It is public, but would it matter if people read this who had no relation to me whatsoever? This definitely feels like personal, question-and-answer bullshit but it's connections and past experiences that will determine the effect and reach of this blog. I hope at least some people are as weird/think the same way as I do. (psh UR SEW BORING ME)
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